The Back Story:
Oftentimes people want to know what brought me to Germany from Phoenix, AZ and what my experience has been. There are lots of assumptions of what my life in Europe is like. People tend to romanticize my life as an artist working across continents based on the things we, as Americans, have been taught about Europe. But what outwardly appears to be romantic to those who watch my journey, inwardly felt as if it had destroyed me.
There are details of my first year in Berlin that are too painful to share outside of those closest to me. There are things that when I speak about them, always bring sorrowful tears to my eyes. It was no easy feat moving to Germany during the pandemic, alone, during winter all in hopes of furthering my career and betting on myself. My mental health took the largest hit of my life and it seems at times as if I am still recovering from those wounds to this day.
From the moment I arrived I was in survival mode. It was cold, snowing, dark, the country was in a strict lock-down and I was alone… so alone. So, in order to help me process my emotions and feelings during this time period, I slowly created this triptych that chronicled a slow mental breakdown of sorts that I had in Berlin.
The Breakdown:
Working with a base color of a cool gray, I aimed to reflect the sorrowful gray tones of the Berlin sky. The locals know this shade all too well and during the winter months. It is a trigger to some as they know that the turning of the skies means the onset of seasonal depression.
While some locals disagree, one of the most “beautiful” things about Berlin is how saturated the city walls are with graffiti. It. Is. EVERYWHERE. And, on everything. I was told that after the war, artists wanted to take their city back and this was a visible way of doing so. The grafiti is such an important element of the city that I wanted to pay homage to it through my looser than normal brushstrokes in combination with vibrant and bold colors. This element also allowed me to show the beautiful chaos that was running amok inside of me during my transition.
Some pieces of the first and second painting are left raw, intentionally to serve as a sense of vulnerability and brokenness I felt as I struggled to cope with my isolation and depression during my first several months in Germany. Each piece captures a moment in time- from breakdown to rebuild.
The Conclusion:
Each painting dances with each other in a rhythm that tells a story of pain to peace. It is a story that many of us are familiar with and in which many of us are survivors of. It is my story of being destroyed, burned to the ground but just like the Phoenix of legend, rising from the ashes in a burst of flames, illuminating all that is around me. There is no coincidence that I was born in the city of Phoenix. There is a light inside of me, a fire that burns too brightly to ever be extinguished. It took me moving across the world to realize just what was in me… I’m glad I found it.
This original triptych is available for purchase via this link. You can also find limited edition signed and numbered prints of this triptych by clicking here.
As always, thank you for supporting my journey and believing in me. Be sure to drop a comment below or on my Instagram (@AntoinetteCauley) and be sure to visit my website AntoinetteCauley.Com
